Of Cabbages and Queens

The Walrus and the Fiancé
Or, the story of the curious bride.

The sun was shining on the ring
Shining with all its might
He did his very best to make
The proposal come out right
And this was odd because he was
Not the image of Mr. Right.

The man and woman headed home
Were walking hand in hand.
The dry clean only family
Will meet the blue collar man.

“Engaged?! The time has come” The Walrus said
“To talk of many things,
Of boys and veils and wedding rings,
Of cabbages and queens.
And why this boy should marry or not
And the size of diamond rings
Culoo Culaay no wedding day
For cabbages but queens!”

The boy was brown and she was crème
And he was poor and she was not
But this didn’t mean much to them
Until the mother began to scoff
And father said to daughter dear
She still had time to find one like us
Love means nothing if he can’t take care
Of you and home and all your fuss.

“But I love him” I say to father,
“You’re just a generation old
I can still get a job to provide,
Love fits into no known mold.”

“You couldn’t love the boy” The Walrus said
“He makes not many things
Of thousands of dollars or 401k’s
He’s a cabbage and you’re a queen.
And why we can’t approve of him
And we certainly can’t have a tanner man
Culoo Culaay no wedding day
Of minorities to queens.”

And so the family won the war
Of who to have and who to hold,
The family traditions you can’t break through,
Of racial color and bags of gold.

But had the marriage followed through
The steps of planning coming next
Pressures on mother to buy the dress
And the veil and the pearls and only the best.
And the mother must afford the dress
With the thousand dollar shiny tag
Cause that’s how she will show her love,
The family to show off all their swag.
And if you need more examples
Of what your wedding should resemble
There’s a royal wedding streamed live and recorded
For viewing and planning of your own ensemble.

Or tune in at 9pm on your Friday night,
The engaged woman stays at home in bed
And studies and plans it all off the screen
And watches girls cry imagining being wed
In dresses to live up to on their own special day
Images of fiancés who have large pocket books
And surprisingly or not are mostly white
Or have fiancés with monochromatic skin looks.


“The time has come” The Walrus said
“To talk of many popular things
Of bustles and lace and tv shows
Of TLC and prime time airings.
And Say Yes to the Dress
And designer brides
Culloo Culaay your beautiful today
If you’re a thousand dollar queen.

Now the mother can’t afford a dress
For a plus size daughter though
Plus size dresses are more expensive
And rolls and chins have no wedding glow.

Hit size 18, there are no dresses anyways
Designers don’t want fat brides in their gown
But what self loving bride isn’t willing to loose
A pound or twenty two or in your fat you’ll drown.
A bride with size 16 is barely in the clear
And if she should taste the reception cake
And cause her to gain but another inch
Becoming a plus size, what a mistake.

“The time has come” The Walrus said
“To talk of many things,
Of Kardashian style and receptions with gleen
Of cabbages and queens.
And why your budget is expanding still
Or your wedding will just go downhill.
Culloo Culaay come buy today
The overpriced dresses of queens.

And now we come to stand at the altar
Under the chuppah or blood stained cross
As prescribed by family traditions
Whether you wanted it or not.

So if you wanted to have that outdoor wedding
Or the quaint little ceremony with just a few
Too bad, you have to have the unity candle,
You get great aunt Patty and her little dog too

That wedding you wanted
Where it was your special day
Belongs to traditions and capitalism
And mass media! Hurray!
How beautiful, how lovely a day
Your wedding fit the bill
Of what weddings should look like
Supposedly designed by your own free will.

“The time has come,” The cabbages said
“To talk of other things,
Of DIY and cheaper options
Of no cabbages, we’re all queens.
And that the wedding you hope to have
Can be made on a budget for any lass
Culoo Calaay you too can wed today
Anyone can afford to be queen!

Project ideas in crafty magazines
Like Martha Stewart Living and DIY Bride
Offer ways to cut costs on arrangements and invites
And make a hairclip at home that’s perfectly dyed.

And if being queen is not your ideal
Then maybe a princess will have to do
A real princess loves to wear gemstones.
The princesses who wore sapphire said “I do.”
If your fiancé can’t afford diamond rings
Remind them of the fashion of gemstone bling.
Princess Diana and Princess Kate flash the blue
And that’s more colorful and affordable too.

“The time has come” the true queen said
“To talk of special things
Of who I want to love and wed
Of glitter glitz and gemstone bling
Of never being a cabbage, only just a queen.
And I will fit into the dress I want
No matter what slices of cake I eat
Culloo Cullay, my wedding day
Of the true and deserving queen!