Check List

When he had to leave, I was already having trouble with myself. I ran out of money while we still had time, before my surgery, to do things, but couldn't go out because our plans were too expensive.

What we didn't get to do this summer:

-See the Mummies

-Deep sea fishing

-Hootenany

-Camping

-Natural History Museum

-Museum of Tolerance

-Aquarium

-China Town

We did get to go out a little bit, memories for sure were made. Most of our afternoons were spent together, no regrets for all the time that we devoted just to each other. Had we known how soon he was going to have to leave, I think even more time would have been made to keep us close to each other. That being said-

What we did get to do this summer:

-Freddy Kruger

-Paint with each other

-2nd date fishing on the pier

-Watch fireworks on the roof

-Be apart from each other

-Be close to each other

-Fall in love with each other

-Plan to be together again

Too Many Wedding Shows

Recently I have aquired an addiction to TLC wedding shows, from "Say Yes to the Dress" to "Fabulous Cakes" and so on. All of this seems to have prematurely stired up a passion in me to begin planning my own wedding, of which is postponed indefinately seeing as I am not even engaged.

The Dress: Some women have to have it crisp and white, low cut, high neck, long train, tea length, lace, satin, there are so many options out there. I have a few ideas for my own, ide like simple straps, maybe some lace, but in all of my searching I keep trying to imagine myself in the dress, trying to imagine how would it make me feel. On my wedding day, I dont want to be the princess, but the queen. I dont care if the dress hugs all my curves or has a sweetheart cut top to accentuate a sexy bustline, I just want to feel like a woman. A beautiful, desirable woman who my future husband will not be able to take his eyes off of. I would like to say the dress is for me, and ofcourse im not going to wear anything I dont feel comfortable in, but I will wear my dress for my fiance. I am presenting myself to the man I love and I want him to be totally sure in his descision.

The Date: I have conflicting ideas of what I want for the date. Ideally I would love to have an outdoor wedding and evening reception. For this to work comfortably for my guests it would be ideal to have a July or August wedding, with a nice warm night for dancing and conversation. However I have a desire to have a cooler fall wedding with leaves that change colors. I want it to be chilly enough when I get back to the hotel with my new husband so that there will be no problems cuddling under the covers or finding some other suitable ways to keep warm together.

The Location: Ive been sifting through a few local banquet halls and restaurants, and while Im not totally up for a themed wedding, I am interested in a location that already comes with its own character. All of them however for the ceremony I want to be outdoors. Some places Ive been looking into that I know of in the area like this are the Woodley Park Japanese Gardens, 94th Aero Squadron Restaurant, and The Proud Bird Restaurant. The problem with the Japanese gardens is that guests would have to drive to another location for the reception. While I have been to succesful weddings that do this, I would rather avoid the extra transport if possible. The Proud Bird would be lovely for the reception, but I cant see where a ceremony could succesfully take place with the number of people I have in mind. So far in the running, the 94th Aero Squadron can have both the outdoor wedding and reception, and it is the closest location to home and a large majority of my guests. The patio for the reception comes decorated with white strung lights, it would be perfect for an evening outdoor reception.

The Cake: Hmmm, I think a red velvet cake might be too cliche but it would be a fun stick in the side to hardcore chocolate or white cake lovers. I dont want any fruit in the cake, a good rich cream filling like in bavarian donuts would be delicious. Heck maybe ill just have a donut cake ;) I dont want a crazy tilted, multicolored cake, but a simple tiered cake. Square or round tiers, either way I want beautiful piping on it. In whatever color we decide for the wedding, I want filligree piping, like a victorian wallpaper. Flowers would be lovely addition but I dont want too much fuss like ribbons or rhinestones, to have to deconstruct the cake itself before serving it.

The Flowers and Decorations: I love flowers and lights. The reception must have twinkling lights whether from candles or strung lights, and the flowers must be fresh and romantic. Roses are traditional but a variety of similarly colored flowers can have just as much sophisticated character. The boquet I want to not be this huge draping piece, but something simple and memorable, bound by a ribbon with bare stems. the table centerpieces should be simple, low so people can still talk across the table. Anything that glistens or glows in lights to make them twinkle is all I want.

The Groom: Well, I have to love him and he has to love me. Beyond that I dont care as long as theres no stains on his clothes and his hair is brushed. Depending on the weather my groom would look great in anything from a crisp tux to a comfortable linen button down and slacks for a summer event.

The Point

You ever think that God is trying to get a certain point across to you? That you think you know what you want, confusing it with a realistic possibility of what you need or could handle, then something happens to really ground you?

Have you ever gotten so nervous and scared that you sat and changed all of your future plans, get them all out and ready to go? Prepared yourself for what you have to do now, wishing that you had thought things through better before, only to have your fears relieved 20 minutes after you settle on your plans?

Ok, I got the point.

Night of Dreams

Sitting in bed all day doesn't exactly make one totally ready to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, however falling asleep at progressively later hours each night isn't really ideal. In an attempt to fix my body clock I turned off the lights and layed down at 11pm.

I found myself in a cave with Josh, Angela, and a few other friends. There was a large rock pool, water was comfortably warm and we had found this slide into the water. While we tested the slide and waded around in the water, Angela discussed with me how even though we were enjoying ourselves, she was here on business and needed to harvest the oil that was seeping up little by little in the rock pool. She was going to use the money from it for some sort of organization she was a part of, so we started searching around for the best spots to extract the oil beads. We had made our way to the quiet corner across the rock pool from the slide where the majority of the group was when we saw something crawling down the rocks in a dark corner. There were men, dressed like spies or professional thieves, one came down and started looking at our personal items we had left to stay dry on the banks of the rock pool. I confronted him and he pushed me away. I dug my nails deep into his wrist, he grabbed my hand with his and I clawed his face. I started struggling with him, fighting to get him down but he was too strong.

I looked at the clock expecting more time to have passed but unfortunately saw that it was only 12:37am. I got up to use the bathroom and splash some water on my face. I went back and forced myself to lay down, trying to clear my mind or do something to relax myself.

I was meeting up with Joe and some other friends. We wanted to be like Batman so we tried to rig up some sort of public signal for us to come together when we were needed. We couldn't figure out a light so we had this recording that was really loud played on top of a building. It worked great, unfortunately for us however its sort of illegal to have unpermited sound that loud. We were brought in to the police station, luckily the officer was really cool with us. She saw that we weren't doing anything terrible, we just didn't know the regulations. She laughed with us, saying how wanted to be Batman too when she was younger, a cop was the best she could do. After I was released, I walked across the street to my house where my Hispanic step dad was hosting a BBQ on our lawn. He had already had too much to drink and when he saw me coming from the police station he was in a drunken fury. He had me start preparing the meat, I sliced it and put it in marinade. He grabbed the knife from me and asked what the hell I was doing, what crap I was putting the meat in and showed me how he wanted the meat cut. He started lecturing me on how I should be grateful he even lets me live with him, how I should be trying harder to do everything I can for him. He was using the knife in my hand to talk with, he was very animated, pointing it at my gut. He grinned drunkenly and sliced my hand, saying I wasn't punished enough as a kid, how if he were my dad when I was younger I would have turned out respectable. He took one more swipe and I grabbed his wrist. He dropped the knife and stood up, collecting himself like he meant to do that. I picked up the knife as he turned around and walked away.

I rubbed my face in my pillow to wipe away the tears. The clock said 2:13am. I again got up to go to the bathroom and splashed more water on my face. I grabbed Chuck, my stuffed giraffe, and nuzzled my face back into the pillow.

Angela was shopping for a bicycle in this little open air bike shack. She was ready to go and had me plan out a test track for her to ride on. I started out placing pieces of paper in this patterned direction, loops and straights mixed in. Little by little the track started closing in, like a maze, a walled up labyrinth. There were tall black walls but I was still placing the papers in this trail. Angela came back on a loop in the trail angry with me that she had been perpetually stuck on wasn't going anywhere. The black walls grew higher as I became confused how she got stuck in a loop I hadn't constructed.

Frustrated and confused I looked at the clock again. 3:56... Seriously?! I went to the bathroom one more time. Stood there looking in the mirror for a minute, looking into my own eyes, trying to figure out why my mind was so wired for imagery. Once again I pulled the blanket over me, hoping the next time I opened my eyes I would see sun peeking through my blinds.

I had it picked out, drew a picture of it, cut out pictures like it. That was the dress I would not be wearing down the aisle. It was four more hours til we were supposed to be at the church, everyone was lethargic and all my mom cared about was running up to Burger King to grab lunch. My sister sat in a chair in the kitchen nearly falling asleep while I was left to explain to my mom how my throat hadn't healed yet from my surgery, I couldn't eat anything from Burger King. I had no dress, I debated wearing a white tank top and white skirt to seeing if I fit in an old prom dress. I was close to calling the minister and telling him not to show up. I had no dress, no one even cared about getting ready or were excited for me. I layed down on my bed and smashed my face into my pillow.

As I rolled my face out of my pillow I saw a 6 something on the clock, good enough to text Josh. I hate the time difference at night but when I wake up in the morning its nice to know he'll be there. After talking to him for a while he told me to try to sleep one more time. I grabbed Chuck and rolled over one more time.

....

My eyes gently cracked. There was sunlight reflecting on my wall.

Just Over A Week

Its been just over a week now since he had to leave. It all happened so fast I dont think I really understood the gravity of what was going on. A tragedy, a need for him, a plane flight, a short good bye. They called for him and the next day he was gone. Ive developed this overwhelming guilt for my selfishness. I was sad that our summer was cut short and that I would miss him when he was the one having to be strong and support his family while dealing with his own mourning. In a few hours he had to uproot and change his way of life, so selfless.
The fact that he's really gone is starting to set in for me. I know this is where he needs to be, but I still cant deny how much I would pay or sacrifice just to spend another night with him. It will be a few more months though, so I guess my sacrifice is time. At night before I sleep I cry on my pillow and thank God for the time we did have, for the memories we made and for the bond that we built. Before the summer, my prayers were requests. Asking for plans to follow through, for him to really love me as much as I had fallen for him. Now my prayers are all thanks because of how much my heart swelled with love for him. And even with him gone I do beleive I grow to care for him a little more each day. I wonder how it will be when I finally do get to see him again, to get to have a conversation face to face, not from behind and electronic device. Atleast we have that. Its been just over a week. Soon, just over a month, then 2. Until then my love, until then.

The Knight Slayed the Beast

On a gentle warm summer night my prince and I sat in my chamber, falling in love with each other's embrace, when suddenly a beast emerged from beneath the treasures on the floor! We sprang to our feet with a war cry worthy response which sent the beast back into hiding. Left to lurk amongst the clutter in my room, it hoped to avoid my ready knight. Sir Joshua grasped tightly to his trusty sword as I moved chests and valuables in hopes of revealing the spot where the creature retreated. Finally I spotted the demon of a brute and promptly flushed him out in the direction of my knight. Sir Joshua attacked the dreadful roach with might and strength and finally slayed the beast. Left in pieces, he disposed of what was left of the creature and I graciously thanked my brave knight. My shining knight, Sir Joshua protected my personal chambers and surely saved my life from the disgusting bacteria carrying insect.