Gaps

Ever have that feeling of being "left out" even though you get along with people and they genuinely arn't purposely ignoring you? This effect may be caused by one of two things, an age gap or a distance gap. I am going to self diagnose the cause of my constant loneliness/boredom to both of these factors. Growing up I was the one that just came too late, my closest cousin being 5 years older than me, my own sister 12 years older than me. No ones fault, my parents had tried to have a baby closer in age, just the way things happened. Doesn't mean it was easy though. I used to joke I was an only child with the perk of an older sister, she had moved out by the time I was 8 anyways so it certainly seemed that way. Coming of age I thought I might be finally "catching up" with my family, the difference between an 8 year old and 20 year old are very different from a 20 and 32 year old. Then she had Sophie, who I love dearly, but the dynamic changed once again. Now the gap is different, she joined the company of mothers and I still left a child, treated like a child even though I am now of drinking age.

The next gap, distance. Oh you have to travel away from home! My aunt was very enthusiastic about convincing me to travel for college, and thusly I found a new home 700 miles away. Love the school, hate the fact that this seems to have single handedly isolated me from everyone I have ever known. I am a very attached person to my close friends and family and what a slap in the face this move was. Love Humboldt county, hate the fact that its too far away for me to come home or to have anyone visit me. During parents weekend at school I try to just hide in my room rather than watch friends Merrily showing their parents and friends the campus, skipping a class to take them to the beach or hike in the redwoods. I sit at my computer praying someone I know pops on messenger so I don't have to rub my face in the fact that other people's families seem to be willing to make the effort to make them not feel so damn lonely. I have never in my life been a social butterfly, and I am comfortable not being the popular person so I usually have more acquaintances than friends. That being said now that a large portion of my friends have graduated and those grand total of 2 left up here are leaving before I am, I am experiencing a sort of bleak outlook on my near future.

I get it, its too expensive to visit and I just have to deal with me not being a part of everyone else's lives until I come home. I am in an awkward age in my family and they just cant wait for me to catch up before they start theirs, totally understandable. However this predicament still sucks, regardless of what is good and proper in its timing. Life still happens when I am away at school and I am going to just have to accept that I will miss out. I missed my dog dying, I missed my niece's first two years of growing up, I missed my dad's recovery from nearly dying, and my boyfriend has forgotten what my face looks like. United Airlines I dedicate this to you as a big FUCK YOU for charging $600 and holding a monopoly over flights out of this county.